Solutions for Escaping Negative Interpretations
Many people know the pain of being caught in a relationship that just seems to spiral downward. How does love slowly erode into this? What can be done?
What the spouse sees
The memory of that charming man who showered her with love and attention now is a distant vague memory. Today, she lives with someone whose every move and occasional "gifts of kindness" are motivated, not by a sincere loving heart, but his selfish desire to receive something he wants. Maybe he wants to "get out of the dog house" again, perhaps he desires intimacy or there's some other favor to be gained.
He can no longer fool her anymore. No matter what he does, she is quick to identify his true underlying self-serving motive which she knows so painfully well. Perhaps sarcasm and cynicism spill from her lips. Perhaps she treats him the way he deserves. One thing is certain, it's hard to be that same sweet person he met so many years ago. This is how it looks from within a relationship which is spiraling downward.
How did they get here? What went wrong?
Although the exact details may vary, probably those who are caught in a negative spiral have walked down a path well-trodden by others. The early romance had been fueled by interpreting the other person as much as possible with noble motivations. Gifts of kindness were understood as "he cares about me," instead of "he wants to be loved and he thinks he can win my love by doing this." Chances are each of them viewed the other as being someone who was capable of making them happy.
However, at some point perhaps after the honeymoon, the romantic vision was shattered by two forces. On the one hand, the routine and reality of daily life gradually closed the faucet of kindness until only a trickle remained - if this. About the same time, an event or a series of decisions caused someone to reconsider the motivation which drove their spouse ... and it was not a pretty picture.
Now she viewed him more "realistically." She carefully weighed his behavior against a new interpretation which was not as optimistic as it had previously been. The more she perceived his "true self," the less she was motivated to put forth an extra effort. Slowly the spiral had formed and now as it gained momentum it began to feed upon itself. Soon it would grow into a powerful force which would tear at the very fabric of their relationship.
The Nature of Negative Interpretations
Ingredients for Dismantling the Downward Spiral
The vast amount of ink which is spilled on solving relationship problems could be spared if everybody would simply live as God tells us. Unfortunately, we will need to wait until heaven to experience this. Until then, you can make sure that you are not contributing toward the problem. We can not control others, but we can control our decisions, behaviors and attitudes.
What can be done? I can make sure that I am the person God would have me to be by allowing His word to shape every corner of my life. This recipe for life can include:
1) Repentance. If I have been treating another person as "he/she deserves," or if I have been motivated by ungodly values or exhibited ungodly behavior, I can make the decision to change. Often times repentance may involve dying to Self in order to live for him who died for us. I can also patiently and consistently try to give the other person a reason to interpret me positively.
2) Actively Show Love. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Where love has been abandoned, negative interpretations thrive and the downward spiral grinds up relationships. Conversely, where there is genuine love for another person, not only is time and energy given for the well being of another person, there remains the desire to find a reason to interpret that one's actions in a good light.
True love acts because of "who I am" in seeking the well being of others, not because of how deserving they are. As we consider God's love for the world which caused Him to send His Son, we can unfortunately see that people do not always respond to love with love. Reradless of this truth, the nature of true love is to take a risk by reaching out in seeking their well being.
3) Use the Relationship for the Purpose God Intended it to Have. Many people seem to assume that the purpose of marriage is to make them happy. Although happiness (and many other wonderful fruits) can be a product of a godly marriage, the purpose of marriage is not to make you happy. Whenever people burden their relationships to fulfill purposes which they were not intended to fulfill, there will eventually be disillusionment. Others will collapse under the weight of carrying the responsibility for my happiness.
What is the purpose of marriage? Although there can be many milestones and secondary purposes, ultimately, its purpose can be no different than the ultimate purpose which God has given each individual, namely to love and honor God. Accordingly, we should not anchor the source of our well-being upon human relationships or anything else in this world, but rather upon God.
Negative spirals can be broken. But this does not just happen. Lives need to be shaped more fully by God and and His word.
I suppose an article like this might cause some people to feel guilty. What is important is what we do with that guilt. Do we repent and accept God's forgiveness? Or will we simply internalize our sense of guilt to create a sense of worthlessness which may lead us to self-destructive patterns? Worldly sorrow leads to death because no positive changes occur. Godly sorrow leads to repentance. 2 Corinthians 7:8-11 This is the spiritually healthy response whenever we encounter sin and its problems.
Barry Newton, Copyright © 1999
Other articles which might be of interest:
Women Are Complicated; Men Are Impossible (Understanding Others)
The War That Almost Was (Principles of Communication & Conflict Resolution)
Godly Leadership in the Family