"Men are Impossible"
Does anything about the following scenarios sound slightly familiar? If yes, what can we do about this?
A husband and wife drive home together. As the wife gets out of the car she points to the garage remote control in the car and says, "don't forget that." The husband picks up the remote control and starts walking toward the front door. The wife shakes her head and mutters something about him being impossible. The husband totally bewildered announces, "I did exactly what you wanted. What's wrong with you this time?"
God has called his people to season their words with grace and loving kindness. While we should do this regardless of how we are treated, it can be more challenging when we do not understand those who are closest to us.
Why do men at times seem impossible or women too complicated? Although there are many reasons, one source for frustration comes from looking at our world from a "self viewpoint." Consider the previous story of the remote control. If the wife was accustomed to entering the house through the garage door, then from her perspective she said, "open the garage." If the husband normally enters the house through the front door, he may have understood his wife to have asked him to bring the remote control with him into the house. The result can be we may view ourselves as doing what's expected while our spouses may appear to be behaving strangely.
The remote control is a simple example, but it illustrates how even simple situations and communication can lead to genuine misunderstandings when we interpret the world around us through our own routines, outlooks and beliefs. Although from our perspectives it might appear that at times our spouses are even deliberatively trying to irritate us, the actual problem might be communication difficulties.
Viewing others from a self viewpoint can also complicate our communication in another way as well. Have you ever noticed just how often people tend to interpret actions and conversations based upon what they perceive it says about them? "Honey, the dome light in the car was left on all night and so the car may not start today." The spouse replies, "I was not the last person to be in the car last night!" Such a response is pure defensiveness.
Defensiveness breaks down good communication as it causes people to focus upon "what this says about them" instead of encouraging an understanding of what the other person intended to communicate. The former is easy; the latter can be difficult.
I suspect many marital conflicts which have centered around such visible issues as whether to invite someone over for dinner or whether to make a certain purchase may never have addressed the real source for the disagreement. The self viewpoint of "I do not like what this says about me" expressed through such thoughts as "people will think bad of me if they see my house" or "I feel I should be the person to make this decision" can remain hidden from view as an argument ensues.
To our human proclivity to interpret our world from our own perspective, factor in the differences for how men and women think and we are set for a wild ride! What can help?
• Because it can be easy to misunderstand others, be open to the possibility that although you are convinced you understand everything perfectly, perhaps you do not.
• Realize that what matters most is how we respond.1 Whether we accurately understood or not, God wants us to respond with love. Maybe we will not always understand our spouses, but we do know how we ought to respond.
• Deliberately strive to gain understanding before airing your own opinions or acting hastily upon what has been said.3 To practice this involves infusing love into our communication because love is not self-centered but rather seeks the interests of others.2
Communication is not easy. Healthy communication can take time. Interpreting our world and responding to others with love instead of with the knee jerk reactions which can come for a self-centered perspective can make a tremendous difference in our relationships. You may not change someone else, but if necessary you can change yourself. "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24
1Romans 12:17-21; Matthew 12:36
21 Corinthians 13:5; Philippians 2:1-4
3Proverbs 18:13, 2; 29:20; 12:18; 13:3; 14:8
Copyright © 2002 Barry Newton
Other articles which might be of interest:
The Downward Spiral (Relationships Suffering from Negative Interpretations)
The War That Almost Was (Principles of Communication & Conflict Resolution)
Godly Leadership in the Family
A Picture Doesn't Lie! - Or Does It?